Just being real

You know, why didn't I get a manual on parenthood when Lily was born??? I seriously think every mother needs one. Just when I think to myself, yep, I am ready for baby number 2, something happens and I think Lily needs to be an only child.

Ok, so I am going to be real as can be. No, sugar coating here. The terrible 2's is just that....TERRIBLE. This little girl is not even 2 yet and she has Miss Diva written all over her. So, let's back up. I have to work full time. Yes, I know, big shocker. I am lucky enough to have a job that I work three 12 hr shifts a week. I get 4 wonderful days off, but those 3 days I work are usually hell. So, back to my story, my 4 days that I have off, I have my daughter. No babysitter for this gal. I honestly like being able to spend time with my daughter, seeing her learn and grow. However, when you have a TERRIBLE day at work and in the back of your mind you are so looking forward to your day off the next day and when your soon to be 2 year old daughter is teething (yep, I did say that) and is an out of control monster.....you just as well be at work.

Don't get me wrong....I LOVE my daughter. I would do anything for her. I will always be there for her. I thank GOD everyday for bringing her to my life. She is my everything!!

HOWEVER, this particular day......

I decided to schedule Lily's Easter and 2 year pictures for today for 10am. Well, Lily usually takes her naps between 11-noon. So, I thought, if I schedule her pictures at 10am, I would be the first one since they open at 10. I could get her pictures, pick out the pictures, and head home. I could be back around 11:30. Give her a small snack and then she could take her nap. My first mistake: I tried to plan something. Anyway, Lily woke me up at 5:30am. She was ready for the day. However, she didn't get the memo that I was sleeping "in" until 6:30am. Anyway, she was up. I tried my best to get her back down because today was picture day and wanted her to be well rested. Second mistake: should have known better. So, I gave up. We got ready. I had her all ready to go when I realized I couldn't find her bows to match her dress. I looked all over for them. Nowhere to be found. Ok, so fast forward to arriving at Olan Mills (yes, I know. They aren't the best. But I was going to save my money and wait to spend more on my mini session with Sandy Clarke on May 1st.) And this is my third mistake: I went to Olan Mills. Back to the story, we arrived early. I knew that they didn't start until 10am, but with 257 being flooded and Portersville Rd close to being flooded I didn't want to be late if I had to take alternate routes. The photographer was absolutely rude. She was mad that we were early. She then proceed to tell me that they were booked solid this morning. The internet had a glitch in the system and scheduled customers every 30minutes instead of an hour. Well, quite honestly, that is not my problem. So, I had two outfits. She just flat out told me I had to pick one. OK....then Lily's pictures were very rushed. I honestly think the quality of pictures were terrible. She really didn't even cared about what she was shooting. The next customer arrived early and I basically got kicked out of the studio. OK, so part of the session is getting to view your photos and pick out the selections for the package. This lady had the nerve to ask me to come back because she wanted to shoot every one's photos in the morning and then go back to view the photos with each customer. I WAS HOT!!! Again, I was literally pushed out of the studio. So, I went back to my car, changed Lily, and we walked around Kmart for over an hour. Finally, I got to view my photos. At this point, just like I expected, Lily was tired, hungry, and wet. I was already pissed off at this lady.....so we started to view the photos. She was taking her sweet time to crop pictures and change colors and so on and so forth. Lily is sitting in the chair next to me getting very antsy, so I knew this was going to be a very bad situation. The lady kept going through the pictures literally picking out the pictures she liked. I thought, well, why am I here?? Ok, so now Lily is screaming, "EAT, EAT." Ok, I had some raisins in my purse along with some toys. That kept her busy for a whole minute. Then, she kept getting off the chair and running into the studio to get props. So, I ran after her. Then, Lily would get off the chair and do a circle around it or try to play in the trash. Meanwhile, the lady is still working on more edits. Then, Lily runs out into the store. So, I chase her and bring her back. This time, I am holding her and not letting her get down. Well, you would have thought I was killing her. Lily screamed so loud. The phrases, "I want down, Leave me alone, I have to poop, and You hurt me (yes, she said it)" all came out. As she is screaming, she is trying to head bunt me, pinch me, scratch me, and bite me. The full force tantrum was OUT!!!!! That stupid lady looked at me like I was killing her or something. I was so embarrassed and pissed off. I could feel my face get red and my blood pressure rising. I was shaking and on the verge of a panic attack. The woman that got her little girl's pictures after me was waiting and was trying her best to calm Lily down as well. I think she knew what I was feeling. Afterwards, Lily and I walk towards the bathroom and I am telling her that her behavior was unacceptable...you know the spill...I think all she heard was blah, blah, blah. We got to the bathroom, changed her diaper and the whole time she is screaming again at the top of her little lungs like I was killing her. I get her dressed and I put her down so I could wash my hands. Well, of course, Lily goes straight to the toilet to try to put her hands in the water. Ok, at this point, I was fighting back the tears....I had enough. I put Lily in her car seat, called my friend Kelly and she talked me down. Of course, I wasn't even out of the parking lot and Lily was asleep. GO FIGURE!!! Anyway, Olan Mills got a nasty email from me.

Lessions learned: you get what you paid for, never let someone walk over you, and going out in public with Lily is going to be at a minimal. Oh! Call the doctor on Monday to get a prescription for Xanax (only kidding...or am I??)!

Recent pictures of Lily

Here are some recent pics of Miss Lillian. Gosh, I can't believe how big she is getting. My baby girl is going to be 2 in May. I am sad, but happy all at the same time. She is starting to use a lot more sentences when she talks. Which I absolutely love!!! She is pretty good at shapes and numbers. She can tell you which each animal is and what sound they make. Lily loves Mickey Mouse, Dora, Handy Manny, and Spongebob Square pants(which I won't let her watch very much of him). She loves going outside and just playing in the dirt and rocks. The last few months Lily has been really good at saying our dinner prayer and at church, you can hear her say, "Amen" after the prayers. Melts mommy's heart to hear that. Lily is getting more clear in saying, "I luv you mom." That never gets old to hear. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the pictures.

If you don't mind, please say a prayer for me. There are two big things coming up that I am hoping goes good for me. I don't want to say what it is just let, but just think about me!

My worst week of my life.......

I really wish I was being dramatic. However, I don't think I am. This post will be very hard for me so just bare with me....



Wednesday, March 2nd, I found out that I was pregnant. However, a millon bad things popped into my head. The week before, I had got my period on time and a very heavy period to be exact. Then Wednesday March 2nd, I started spotting, which was kind of weird for me, so I took a pregnancy test. I honestly wasn't expecting a positive result due to me already having a period, but I was shocked to say the least that it was indeed positive. In my mind, I knew something wasn't right, but John was already excited. On Thursday, I called the doctor's office and explained to the nurse what was going on. She wanted me to get to the hospital immediately for lab work. So, Lily and I went to Memorial Hospital as fast as I could get there. We did lab work and waited in Jasper for 2 hrs like she asked me to. Well, I got the news that everyone dreads. I was indeed pregnant, but my progesterone level was too low to substain pregnancy and if I hadn't already done it, then miscarriage was coming. Dr. Beckman called it a chemical pregnancy. My body got ready for pregnancy but the fertilized egg never implanted. He thinks that my body had already expelled the tissue with my period. I was devastated to say the least. Deep down I knew it was coming, but was hoping for the best. I quickly drove myself to John's work and brokedown there. John took me and Lily home. I was a wreck. The next day, I had to get a crown put on my tooth and then I had to go back to Jasper to get more lab work done. The results were clear, I was in the process of having a miscarriage. My levels were dropping even more. Saturday, I decided that there wasn't anything I could do and needed to go to work to get my mind off of things. Not really a good idea on my part. I was able to finish the 12 hr shift, but the whole time I was there I was bleeding....BAD!!! Sunday, I worked for 4 hrs while another nurse came in to relieve me for the rest of the shift (Thank you Wes!). Again, the day was about the same as Saturday. I felt very weak and drained. I think my hemoglobin levels (blood count) is low. It's so hard for people to understand the affects this does to your body both physical and mentally. I have been on a rollercoster of emotions for the past 7 days now. However, this is just something that takes time to heal. I am doing better. I can say the word miscarriage without crying now, so that is good. One step at a time......



If you don't mind just say a prayer for me and my family while we are going through this!

Ready for Church

We were getting ready for church this morning and thought I would take a picture of Lillian. I thought she looked so cute. She even picked out her shoes. I can't believe how big she is getting!!!

Visiting Friends

On Tuesday, Lily and I made the 2 hr drive to Illinois to see our friend Rachel and her new baby Cale. We haven't seen him yet and finally had the opportunity to go (thanks nasty weather for delaying it). Anyway, we had a good time visiting. Wish we could have stayed longer. The trip worn both Lily and myself out. We didn't stay overnight in Illinois, so it was a quick trip.

Lily trying her best to hold Cale

While we were there, we stopped by to see my mom. She was babysitting my nephews. So, it was good to see them as well.

Lily visiting my mom at work....PreK at Eldorado Elementary.

Saying bye bye to Dillon and Braden

A new beginning......

As I am sitting here eating the rest of the M&Ms, I stop to think.....this is the end. I am starting a weight loss program on February 2nd. I have to weigh in and get lab work, then they will evaluate my BMI and tell me that I am fat (like I already didn't know this, I am NOT blind). Then I have to take classes regarding my health, I will talk to a nutritionist, and attend exercise classes for the next 8 months. Yes, 8 months!! I weigh in every 2 weeks. I am very nervous and excited about this. I really hope that I can be successful. So, wish me luck and say a small prayer for me. I must lose 50 pounds by September!!!! That's my high school reunion......motivation is really not my friend.

Frustration

Can you tell by the title how I am feeling???? Do you ever feel that things never work out to your favor?? I am feeling so frustrated right now. A lot of little things are just adding up to put me in a bad mood. I hate being in this mood too. Its not fair to my family either. Anyway, like I said, I have had a lot of little things that added up, but what really topped it off was hearing back from the bank. Let me explain.....

We were in the process of refinancing our house. We sent in all the paperwork, paid for the inspection, etc. Well, we bought our house in 2006 when the interest rates were really high like 7%. We always thought that in 5 or 6 years we would move to our "bigger" home, so we would just deal with the interest rate. Well, the economy took a plunge and thank the Lord neither one of our jobs has really been affected by the economy. So, we are very blessed both of us have a job. However, our dreams of moving or building a bigger home is put on hold. We don't know what the future will bring, so we aren't going to rock the boat right now. Anyway, we thought....we have excellent credit, when we bought the house we had quite of bit of equity in it, so why not refinance and save money for something later on. Like I said, we were in the process of refinancing to an interest rate of 4.6%. Wow!! Big difference from 7%. So, we had our house inspected. The BIG ball dropped......since the economy is so bad.....we lost equity in our home. We still owe less than what it's worth, but we lost a LOT of money. So, now the bank said that we could still refinancing, but we have to come up with like 5K at closing. Seriously??? So, it's a no go. John and I aren't willing to pay that for a home we don't want to be in for the rest of our lives. Pretty bummed. Actually pretty pissed. It's really not fair that we pay all our bills on time, we go out and work our butts off, and still we can't ever get a break. Maybe I should quit my job, have a million babies, and have all the taxpayers pay for my family.....just like I am doing now. Geez, so not fair.....